Today I walked home hand in hand with my son, after dropping my daughter to school. We do this every day, but today it really hit me: this is my last year of this. My little man is about to turn 5 and next year, I’ll be walking home on my own.
There are lots of great things about the kids getting older and lots of things to look forward to in regards to having both kids at school – I know this – but I also know that I will painfully miss ‘now’.
With my boy’s hand in mine, strolling along the dirt path that leads us to and from school, watching the sun peak through the clouds and stopping to chat about the flowers and bugs we see along the way, I am nostalgic for now.
If I could freeze time…
I remember earlier days – the haze of newborns and the chaos and loneliness of those years when night time doesn’t mean sleep, it just means dark and days are full of mundane chores, baby babble and clock watching.
I know there are plenty of people out there who are ‘baby’ people. They adore babies – others’ as well as their own and those baby years are their favourite years, but this was not the case for me. I always knew I had to get to a time when my kids were a little older. I need conversation, a little independence and a strong dose of rationality.
The bitter sweet reality, is that what I was always waiting for, has arrived. It is now: my strong-willed, fiercely brave 6 year old and my gentle, kind-hearted 4 year old. And as quickly as those baby years went by, so shall these years. I want to press pause. I want to photograph and video every second. I want to hold on, because I know ‘now’ is fleeting. Just as the years of chaos passed and sleep was returned to me, so will this pass and that, I am not prepared for.
I am nostalgic for now. I want to keep that little hand in my hand. I want him to continue to wrap his arms around my leg as I walk. I want the impromptu “I love you Mummy” s to never end. I want to keep finding texta-scrawled love notes pushed under the door and I do not want ‘now’ to change.
There will be more heart-stoppingly wonderful moments to come, I know there will, I am counting on it, but today, as I walked home from school with my little shadow beside me and my heart full, I really realised just how good I have it; just how ridiculously lucky I am and just how worth it all the sleeplessness was.
Now can stay.
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